My doctor is burnt out. I can see it in his physical appearance. His once healthy frame now seems hollowed out. He’s lost a significant amount of weight. His happy ‘whistle while you work’ spirit has been replaced by silence. His old smile has not exactly turned into a frown, but it is diminished and […]
Are Your People Burnt Out? Here’s How to Deal With It Read More »
We’re living in a liminal time. There’s a certain quality to this time that differentiates it from other types of time. It’s not the Before Times. It’s not the After Times. And increasingly, at least in many parts of the U.S., it’s not the Deepest Pandemic Times, either. It’s the In-Between Times. The space that
How to Optimally Deal with the Anxiety of In-Between Times Read More »
A Talmudic passage tells the story of a stranger who approached the sage Hillel and said, “Teach me the entire Torah while standing on one foot.” Hillel famously replied, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. The rest is commentary. Go and study.” If Hillel were an organizational psychologist with
Tell the Truth, With Love Read More »
In recent years, best-selling books like Essentialism and The One Thing have suggested focusing on one goal at a time to powerfully achieve your goals—one by one. Their ethos has been life-changing for many people, including me. For example, I relied on this way of working to write and launch my book, Optimal Outcomes. From
How (and Why) Conflicting Goals Is a Good Thing Read More »
Dear friends, I hope this finds you healthy, safe and well. Below (from my column in Psychology Today) is one leadership lesson I’ve gleaned from the days leading up to this week’s historic U.S. Inauguration, and three ways organizational leaders can implement it. One Leadership Lesson from the U.S. Inauguration The most important contributors to
One Leadership Lesson from the U.S. Inauguration Read More »
Swirl: noun / whirling confusion As we approach the end of the year, scrambling to get work done before the holidays—while working remotely in the midst of a pandemic—may cause more swirl than usual. While it might be hard to define exactly what swirl is, you know it when you see it. You’re trying to
How to Avoid the Swirl in Any Organization Read More »
“…the human propensity to have arguments always fills the available space…” – Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks These days, many leaders are struggling with lack of focus at work. The day-to-day needs of family and children can be overwhelming. The impacts of the global health and economic crises, political polarization, global degradation, and racial injustice are
Why is Conflict More Magnetic During the Holidays? Read More »
Rarely, if ever, have we had a global, collective pause the way we have over the past several months. Around the world, our collective busyness, for the most part, came to a grinding halt. Although we’ve struggled to juggle the roles of teacher, parent, worker and essential worker, and to deal with overwhelming grief, being
How to Increase Justice? Take Simple, Different Action Read More »
Like so many, I am overcome by anger and sadness over the tragic murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and so many other egregious killings and injustices that continue to be perpetrated against Black people in America. The civil rights leaders of our day—including those at the NAACP, the National Urban League and
How to Use Anger as a Catalyst for Action Read More »
Over the past couple of weeks, in my conversations with clients, colleagues, and friends, I’ve noticed a trend. We’re shifting to an acknowledgment that this social-distancing world we’re living in isn’t likely to last just a few weeks. While Trump has suggested we will have a vaccine “relatively soon,” according to some public health experts,
How to Develop a Capacity for Uncertainty Read More »
All around the world, there is massive loss occurring: loss of life, health, jobs, money, relationships, psychological stability, emotional stability, and faith. And yet, there is also hope: leaders are working tirelessly to pivot their organizations to meet emerging needs, researchers are collaborating across borders in unprecedented ways, individuals are reinventing themselves by necessity, pollution
The Emotional Paradox of Loss and Hope Read More »
As we experience collective loss and uncertainty, it’s best not to make things worse by adding family and work conflict on top of it. But we’re only human, and conflict is inevitable. How can we deal with it, especially now? Toward the end of his life, one of my mentors, Dr. Morton Deutsch, who is
The #1 Way to Resolve Conflict at Home? Prevent It Read More »
In this week’s Corner Office column, the New York Times’s David Gelles interviewed CEOs of multinational companies about how they are working during a global crisis. He learned that Stewart Butterfield, CEO of Slack, led an “all-hands” company-wide meeting from his home’s laundry room since that was where Butterfield got the best internet reception. Whether
Feeling Vulnerable? It Can Help You Make Deeper Connections Read More »
In a 2015 TED talk, Bill Gates predicted a global outbreak and urged us to do something to prevent it; similarly, the epidemiologist Larry Brilliant tried to warn us in 2006 that a global pandemic was coming, and that it could be potentially catastrophic. Sadly, these compelling, intelligent, and well-respected voices were not enough to
How to Think Ahead and Pivot in a Crisis Read More »
Given the constantly changing news, it can be hard to know where you stand on basic, important questions, such as: Should I allow my child to have a playdate? Should I go outside? Should my partner go to the grocery store? While clear guidelines to some of these questions are now beginning to be issued
How to Understand Different Points of View in a Crisis Read More »
There have been times in my life when I’ve had to learn important lessons the hard way. It typically goes like this: I want to succeed at a project, so I work beyond the point of productivity without a break, day after day, until I become bleary-eyed, starved for human contact, and anxious. Or I
The Gifts of the Coronavirus: How to Find the Silver Lining in a Crisis Read More »
After a decade of teaching and using the Optimal Outcomes practices in Columbia classrooms and client boardrooms, today, I am thrilled to announce that my new book, Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself from Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life, is officially available—for everyone! I’m also delighted that the book has already been selected as
What is Conflict Freedom, Anyway? An Excerpt from Optimal Outcomes Read More »
A few weeks ago, we considered the idea that our emotions may have seasonal cadences, just like the weather and workflow. This week, we’ll take a look at how our moods impact our relationships and our outcomes–at work, at home, and in the world. Are Your Emotions Contagious? People don’t talk much about “mood” when
Do You Think Your Emotions Are Contagious? Read More »
Getting clear about your values can be a great asset. But especially as the holiday season approaches in the US, values can also be a source of conflict—inside yourself and with others. These tensions can make it hard to show up the way you’d like not only with family and friends, but also at work
How to Free Yourself from Conflict During the Holiday Season Read More »
Dear friends, The 8-minute TEDx Talk I gave a few weeks ago has just been released: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails I tell the story of how I freed myself from a deeply personal conflict with my mom using 3 of the practices I’ve taught Columbia students and senior organizational leaders for a decade,
Watch the TEDx Talk: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails Read More »
Have you ever wished you could free yourself from conflict at work, home or in the world? In my work, it’s been a privilege and pleasure to help people do just that. On June 22, I’ll be giving a TEDx talk in New York City: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails. It’s based on the
TEDx Talk: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails Read More »
In The Confidence Code, best-selling authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman show women how to increase their confidence. This is important, since even when women’s competence– or ability– exceeds that of their male counterparts, women’s confidence — or belief in themselves– falters. Having enjoyed The Confidence Code, I expected Kay and Shipman’s newest book, The Confidence Code for Girls,
Raise Your Confidence Quotient Read More »
Last night, my cousin Arielle’s grandmother, Annette Hoffman, passed away. At 91 years old, she was married to Seymour for 72 years– they got married when she was 19. Arielle said that Seymour was still showering her with love, as he had been for all those years. I imagine that people who have been happily
Learning From 72 Years of Marriage Read More »
In his newest best-selling book, When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing, Daniel Pink identifies a common emotional pattern across research studies on well-being: people typically feel bad in the morning. Emotional well-being rises slightly around 8 am, then steadily decreases throughout the day until it crashes mid-afternoon, around 3 pm. It then rebounds around
Managing the Emotions Rollercoaster Read More »
Independence Day is right around the corner here in the U.S., and I’ve been thinking a lot about the last line of our national anthem. We sing: “the land of the free and the home of the brave.” It takes courage — bravery — to become free. It takes the same courage to free yourself
Podcast Interview on Freedom from Conflict Read More »
Sue Elias, EVP of Parks & People Foundation in Baltimore, MD, uses the Optimal Outcomes method to learn to sit with her challenging emotions, then transform those emotions to master conflict.
Can’t You Just Let Me Feel Bad? Read More »
Conventional advice on solving conflict says you should “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” This old adage suggests that by increasing understanding and empathy for the other side, we will be better able to create solutions that take their interests into account, thus allowing us to more quickly and effectively reach agreement. For several
Put Yourself in Your Own Shoes Read More »
The world today is increasingly polarized. People who once identified with the center have shifted towards extremes. For example, in the US political arena, those who once identified as Republicans or Democrats have now shifted towards the “alt-right” or “left-wing activism”. This means there may be no shortage of bitter debates in the coming years,
How to End the Bitter Debate Read More »
Difficult conflicts are typically caused by multiple interconnected factors, but our tendency is to view the situation in much simpler terms. Our minds are always searching for certainty and clarity, causing us to see things in black and white rather than to remain aware of the many detailed nuances of a situation. This evolved over
Ugly Conflict? Map It Out Read More »
Over the past few months, I’ve been hard at work to define how people can master very difficult conflicts. It’s for a book proposal that I’m writing. While I’ve been teaching these ideas at Columbia for close to a decade and coaching dozens of clients using this approach for just as long, writing out the
Mastering Difficult Conflict Read More »
Several of the start-up CEOs I’ve coached recently have struggled with this question: Should I fire one of my co-founders (who is also one of my best friends)? If so, how can I do this while maintaining my integrity as a leader and as a friend? Here are six steps to help you navigate this
Start-up CEO Spotlight: How to fire your best friend Read More »
The other day I was working with two senior executives at a global healthcare company. They came to me because they need to work together but are having trouble getting along. It’s a familiar story: They started out as friends, but in the midst of a series of disagreements and power struggles, one said some
Put your negative emotions to work – in your favor Read More »