My doctor is burnt out. I can see it in his physical appearance. His once healthy frame now seems hollowed out. He’s lost a significant amount of weight. His happy ‘whistle while you work’ spirit has been replaced by silence. His old smile has not exactly turned into a frown, but it is diminished and […]
Are Your People Burnt Out? Here’s How to Deal With It Read More »
A Talmudic passage tells the story of a stranger who approached the sage Hillel and said, “Teach me the entire Torah while standing on one foot.” Hillel famously replied, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. The rest is commentary. Go and study.” If Hillel were an organizational psychologist with
Tell the Truth, With Love Read More »
In recent years, best-selling books like Essentialism and The One Thing have suggested focusing on one goal at a time to powerfully achieve your goals—one by one. Their ethos has been life-changing for many people, including me. For example, I relied on this way of working to write and launch my book, Optimal Outcomes. From
How (and Why) Conflicting Goals Is a Good Thing Read More »
Dear friends, I hope this finds you healthy, safe and well. Below (from my column in Psychology Today) is one leadership lesson I’ve gleaned from the days leading up to this week’s historic U.S. Inauguration, and three ways organizational leaders can implement it. One Leadership Lesson from the U.S. Inauguration The most important contributors to
One Leadership Lesson from the U.S. Inauguration Read More »
Swirl: noun / whirling confusion As we approach the end of the year, scrambling to get work done before the holidays—while working remotely in the midst of a pandemic—may cause more swirl than usual. While it might be hard to define exactly what swirl is, you know it when you see it. You’re trying to
How to Avoid the Swirl in Any Organization Read More »
“…the human propensity to have arguments always fills the available space…” – Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks These days, many leaders are struggling with lack of focus at work. The day-to-day needs of family and children can be overwhelming. The impacts of the global health and economic crises, political polarization, global degradation, and racial injustice are
Why is Conflict More Magnetic During the Holidays? Read More »
Dear friends, I hope this finds you healthy and well. As we continue to navigate our way through uncharted territory at work, at home and in public life due to the pandemic and a host of related complex challenges (and opportunities), I want to let you know about new ways to learn to create Optimal
Join me at the Fast Company Innovation Festival Read More »
free·dom /ˈfrēdəm / noun the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. When we look through the lens of history, freedom often is (or seems like) a zero-sum game, where in order for one group of people to win freedom, another group must lose it. On July
Is Freedom Win/Lose or Is It Contagious? Read More »
Rarely, if ever, have we had a global, collective pause the way we have over the past several months. Around the world, our collective busyness, for the most part, came to a grinding halt. Although we’ve struggled to juggle the roles of teacher, parent, worker and essential worker, and to deal with overwhelming grief, being
How to Increase Justice? Take Simple, Different Action Read More »
Yesterday, I had the honor of being interviewed by Kate Davis, Deputy Editor of Fast Company magazine, for her podcast, Secrets of the Most Productive People (our episode is scheduled to air next week). We discussed how working parents can stay productive while working from home and caring for children during quarantine. At the end
What Would You Like the Future of Work to Be? Read More »
Over the past couple of weeks, in my conversations with clients, colleagues, and friends, I’ve noticed a trend. We’re shifting to an acknowledgment that this social-distancing world we’re living in isn’t likely to last just a few weeks. While Trump has suggested we will have a vaccine “relatively soon,” according to some public health experts,
How to Develop a Capacity for Uncertainty Read More »
All around the world, there is massive loss occurring: loss of life, health, jobs, money, relationships, psychological stability, emotional stability, and faith. And yet, there is also hope: leaders are working tirelessly to pivot their organizations to meet emerging needs, researchers are collaborating across borders in unprecedented ways, individuals are reinventing themselves by necessity, pollution
The Emotional Paradox of Loss and Hope Read More »
As we experience collective loss and uncertainty, it’s best not to make things worse by adding family and work conflict on top of it. But we’re only human, and conflict is inevitable. How can we deal with it, especially now? Toward the end of his life, one of my mentors, Dr. Morton Deutsch, who is
The #1 Way to Resolve Conflict at Home? Prevent It Read More »
In this week’s Corner Office column, the New York Times’s David Gelles interviewed CEOs of multinational companies about how they are working during a global crisis. He learned that Stewart Butterfield, CEO of Slack, led an “all-hands” company-wide meeting from his home’s laundry room since that was where Butterfield got the best internet reception. Whether
Feeling Vulnerable? It Can Help You Make Deeper Connections Read More »
Given the constantly changing news, it can be hard to know where you stand on basic, important questions, such as: Should I allow my child to have a playdate? Should I go outside? Should my partner go to the grocery store? While clear guidelines to some of these questions are now beginning to be issued
How to Understand Different Points of View in a Crisis Read More »
There have been times in my life when I’ve had to learn important lessons the hard way. It typically goes like this: I want to succeed at a project, so I work beyond the point of productivity without a break, day after day, until I become bleary-eyed, starved for human contact, and anxious. Or I
The Gifts of the Coronavirus: How to Find the Silver Lining in a Crisis Read More »
Are you continuously struggling to resolve conflict without gaining real ground? Pattern recognition may help. Most people respond to conflict the same way in various situations even though those responses are often fruitless. It’s illogical and, yet, it’s the number one reason many people find it difficult to resolve contentious situations. Why do we fall
These 4 Conflict Habits Could Be Making Your Life Harder Read More »
After a decade of teaching and using the Optimal Outcomes practices in Columbia classrooms and client boardrooms, today, I am thrilled to announce that my new book, Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself from Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life, is officially available—for everyone! I’m also delighted that the book has already been selected as
What is Conflict Freedom, Anyway? An Excerpt from Optimal Outcomes Read More »
Dear friends, Today, I am thrilled to announce that my new book, Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself from Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life, is officially available—for everyone! After years of using the Optimal Outcomes practices inside Columbia classrooms and client boardrooms, I’m excited about the possibility of the book having a wider impact.
Optimal Outcomes is on sale TODAY! Read More »
Dear friends, Optimal Outcomes is a New York baby. It was written, tested with grad students at Columbia and clients in NYC, and is about to be published in New York. So it’s only fitting that the book tour begins in…New York! (After that, I’m headed to San Francisco, Boston and DC. If you’d like
Join me at the Strand NYC Thurs, Feb 27 @ 7:30 pm Read More »
Before I dive into this week’s post, I have a few exciting announcements: I am thrilled to let you know that Optimal Outcomes was recently selected as a Book of the Month by The Financial Times (the book will launch on Feb 25). It was also featured as one of Success Magazine’s Six Books to
Design a Pattern-Breaking Path Read More »
Getting clear about your values can be a great asset. But especially as the holiday season approaches in the US, values can also be a source of conflict—inside yourself and with others. These tensions can make it hard to show up the way you’d like not only with family and friends, but also at work
How to Free Yourself from Conflict During the Holiday Season Read More »
Dear friends, In less than a week, on Wednesday, October 30 at 12:30 pm EST, I’ll be teaching a free, public 1-hour live Q&A webinar on the 8 practices of the Optimal Outcomes Method. Unlike the private work I do in client organizations, this is completely free and open to the public in service of
The Magic of an Elementary School Reunion Read More »
Dear friends, Before I get into this week’s post below, a reminder that on Wednesday, October 30 at 12:30 pm EST, I’ll be teaching a free, public 1-hour live Q&A webinar on the 8 practices of the Optimal Outcomes Method. Unlike the private work I do in client organizations, this is completely free and open
The Number One Mistake People Make In Conflict Read More »
There’s evidence behind the idea that humans flourish when they have challenging work to do, and that’s definitely the case for me—and for my clients. In my work, the tougher the conflict, the more it captures my interest, and the more likely I am to be helpful. This has been true for me since I
How to Deal with Resolution-Resistant Conflict Read More »
Dear friends, The 8-minute TEDx Talk I gave a few weeks ago has just been released: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails I tell the story of how I freed myself from a deeply personal conflict with my mom using 3 of the practices I’ve taught Columbia students and senior organizational leaders for a decade,
Watch the TEDx Talk: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails Read More »
Dear friends, Thank you so much to many of you who have asked, “How’d the TEDx talk go?” and “When can I see the video? I’ve searched and I can’t find it online!” I’m grateful for your interest, and I’ve done my best to answer below… How’d the TEDx talk go? It was an amazing
The best, hard, surprising and rewarding parts of giving a TEDx talk Read More »
I’m excited (and still nervous!) to give tomorrow’s TEDx talk in NYC: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails. In the practice runs, I’ve seen people tearing up, and people have told me they’ve learned a lot in 8 minutes. My purpose is not to leave anyone shedding a tear, but the story I tell is
TEDx Livestream: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails Read More »
Have you ever wished you could free yourself from conflict at work, home or in the world? In my work, it’s been a privilege and pleasure to help people do just that. On June 22, I’ll be giving a TEDx talk in New York City: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails. It’s based on the
TEDx Talk: Free Yourself When Conflict Resolution Fails Read More »
I recently asked some close friends and colleagues to offer me feedback on the first draft of my book, Optimal Outcomes: How to Free Yourself (and Others) from Conflict–At Home, At Work, In Life (scheduled to be published by HarperBusiness in January 2020). Two of my colleagues told me that they don’t believe it is
What Does It Mean to Be “Conflict Free”? Read More »
Last night, my cousin Arielle’s grandmother, Annette Hoffman, passed away. At 91 years old, she was married to Seymour for 72 years– they got married when she was 19. Arielle said that Seymour was still showering her with love, as he had been for all those years. I imagine that people who have been happily
Learning From 72 Years of Marriage Read More »
I’ve gotten some lovely responses to the new year’s greeting I sent out a couple of days ago. One of them, from my friend Laura Compagni-Sabella, is particularly moving. Laura wrote: “In the real world, I find that for every act of hate, there are thousands of acts of love. For every act of suspicion,
To Overcome Negativity Bias, Try Positivity Read More »
If all goes smoothly, the book I am writing, Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself (and Others) from Conflict–At Work, At Home, In Life, will be due to hit bookstores at this time next year. After a book deal with HarperBusiness and an eight-month writing process, I can see that the theme of the book, about how
Choose Your Highest Self Read More »
Sending you wishes for a bright and connected 2019, wherever in the world this may find you. I just returned from a trip to Jerusalem. Although I’ve spent much time there in the past, I was suddenly struck by the small, everyday, peaceful interactions between people of different backgrounds and faiths. Amidst all the differences,
Independence Day is right around the corner here in the U.S., and I’ve been thinking a lot about the last line of our national anthem. We sing: “the land of the free and the home of the brave.” It takes courage — bravery — to become free. It takes the same courage to free yourself
Podcast Interview on Freedom from Conflict Read More »
Sue Elias, EVP of Parks & People Foundation in Baltimore, MD, uses the Optimal Outcomes method to learn to sit with her challenging emotions, then transform those emotions to master conflict.
Can’t You Just Let Me Feel Bad? Read More »
Conventional advice on solving conflict says you should “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” This old adage suggests that by increasing understanding and empathy for the other side, we will be better able to create solutions that take their interests into account, thus allowing us to more quickly and effectively reach agreement. For several
Put Yourself in Your Own Shoes Read More »
The world today is increasingly polarized. People who once identified with the center have shifted towards extremes. For example, in the US political arena, those who once identified as Republicans or Democrats have now shifted towards the “alt-right” or “left-wing activism”. This means there may be no shortage of bitter debates in the coming years,
How to End the Bitter Debate Read More »
Difficult conflicts are typically caused by multiple interconnected factors, but our tendency is to view the situation in much simpler terms. Our minds are always searching for certainty and clarity, causing us to see things in black and white rather than to remain aware of the many detailed nuances of a situation. This evolved over
Ugly Conflict? Map It Out Read More »
Over the past few months, I’ve been hard at work to define how people can master very difficult conflicts. It’s for a book proposal that I’m writing. While I’ve been teaching these ideas at Columbia for close to a decade and coaching dozens of clients using this approach for just as long, writing out the
Mastering Difficult Conflict Read More »